How does one define leadership? According to Google Dictionary, the word literally means "the action of leading a group of people or an organization." But this is a word with many nuances. We cannot just focus on the act of leading people to do as we will. Leadership is so much more than that. In order to lead people, we must first learn to follow others. And sometimes, by following, we learn IN SPITE of what we see and hear.
We all start somewhere....
When I first became a teacher I found what I considered to be expert teachers in the school and I stuck with them. I focused on learning from them. I listened to what they said and how they said it. I watched them teach. I watched them collaborate. I sat and planned with them. Through this action, I ended up with a "right" and "wrong" view of how to do things in the classroom. Looking back, I realize this was one of my major flaws as a teacher. There is no "right" or "wrong," yet deep down I had a philosophy that I needed to do what I need for the students in front of me because they are the reason I am a teacher in the first place. During my time as a follower, I did learn a lot from fellow teachers. But, I also learned to judge others. I would walk down the hallway and judge based on a glimpse into a classroom, a statement in the lunchroom, and what I heard from these so-called "experts" in my school that everyone looked up to. I knew this was not the best way to support the students in my care, but I was too unsure of myself as an educator to do differently from the leaders in my school at this time. As I learned from Professional Development and my own experiences, I began to craft my own views of education. The core of my teaching belief has never changed: DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THE KIDS IN FRONT OF YOU. But, I didn't know how and I trusted those that were leaders in my school. Then I realized that I could do what I needed to do for my students, but that it would go against these leaders that I had looked up to and respected previously. Based on my own educational experiences, I have always known our impact when we stand in front of a classroom. My desire to do well by my students has always caused me to seek out relevant Professional Development. I would go to conferences that only select teachers would go to in the school, and then promptly realize that following protocols to improve student learning and instruction were not as important as proving to others who were the "best" teachers in the building. It was like a curtain opened in front of my eyes and I was finally able to see the reality of the school culture and what it was doing to me as an educator and as a person. There was this negativity that permeated everything we were told that I wasn't even aware of at first. Once I could see clearly, I couldn't accept that this was "right" and I knew that something needed to change. Because my internal philosophy was so deeply student-centered and I am a very reflective person, when I noticed this was happening, when I saw what others saw on the "outside," I made changes. I adjusted my practice with other educators. I worked at not judging others and eventually I was ostracized from the same group that welcomed me when I was a brand-new teacher because I would now fight back when I knew something was being done that wasn't for the kids, but rather for the adults. I was scolded frequently for saying things that they didn't agree with but also went against the law in regards to special education services. I began to be conflicted with ethical dilemmas and I didn't have the knowledge, experience, or support to know what to do on my own. So, I began to learn from those teachers down the hall, books, and even podcasts. I began to understand that I could not remain in a teaching environment that was toxic and conflicted with my deeply ingrained morals of reaching each and every student in my classroom. You may wonder, how does any of this make me a leader today?
After all, none of the above experiences above shows qualities of effective leadership for me to learn from. Instead, I believe I have learned what NOT to do. I now realize that it isn't about blindly following what is in front of you, but rather using the resources in front of you to modify for the students you have in your classroom. I now realize it isn't about being "perfect," but rather taking the time to learn and grow from the educators around you. I now realize that the expert is usually the teacher down the hall, whose door may remain closed most of the time so that she doesn't receive the judgment from her peers that she is doing something wrong. I now realize that the best leaders in a school do not just give orders, but rather, they sit and listen to teachers and help come up to real solutions that can be applied in the classroom.
The toxic, judgmental environment from the leaders at this school killed my passion. I almost left the teaching profession for good. I realized they do not listen to the teachers who are trying to advocate for their students, and I became bitter. I began to believe this was just how the system works. I know that in some cases it is, but that shouldn't mean it has to stay that way.
Then, I was just depressed and burnt out. I hated going to school every day, and it was NEVER because of the kids. My feelings at work should be reflective of how I feel about the kids in front of me. I didn't do my best work for the last few years at that school because I wasn't the best me personally and professionally. I knew I needed a change. I think that part of leadership is recognizing when change is necessary and doing what is necessary to revitalize and rejuvenate yourself so that you have more to give others, without taking from yourself.
So, I transferred schools. I reached out to a teacher that left the previous year because she couldn't handle how she was being treated anymore and she praised the administration at this school very highly. She used certain keywords when she spoke about the administration that had me applying and hoping to be accepted: RESPECT and KINDNESS. At that point, all I knew was that I needed kindness because I was worn down and bitter and so very unhappy. I felt beaten down emotionally and spiritually. I needed to feel valued and like a contributing member of my school culture. I needed to feel supported and trusted. And, I needed administration who smiled and was kind in actions and words.
I knew this was the right decision for me when my principal didn't speak to me for the remaining 3 months of the school year because she was mad that I was leaving. Apparently, she did give me a glowing recommendation and told my new school that I have "incredible content knowledge, excellent pedagogy, and I excel at building relationships with colleagues and I would be missed." I didn't feel any of that from her or any of the other members in the administrative team. In fact, after my transfer was announced all of my so-called educator "friends" from this toxic group eliminated me from their vocabulary. I was immersed in insolation. It was awful for someone that was already struggling with burnout and depression and anxiety. At this point, I was having panic attacks that were sending me to the hospital once a month. I was doubting that teaching was for me. I knew that I needed to make a change because I was beginning to be physically ill all of the time. The emotional burden of going to this school day after day was having a monumental impact on me. By the time I left the school at the end of the year, I felt wounded physically and spiritually and I was praying that my new administration was as kind as my colleague had expressed.
So, how did these experiences help me to become a teacher leader?
It's actually simple. I have experienced both toxic and positive school leadership, I have attended many hours of Professional Development, and I LEARNED on my own! I began to research and through that research, I fell back in love with teaching. I began to get excited with new and innovative ways to reach my learners. I shared what I learned and passed books on to both teachers and administration. I began to create my own philosophy of education crafted from years of experience and trusted educators in my field of study, with the full support of my administrative team. I began to trust in myself more and I finally felt happy to be in a classroom again! I look forward to work every day because it isn't a place to go that is filled with negativity, but rather a positive environment where we even have an Instructional Leadership TEAM that is open to all educators (and not a select, chosen few) that actually listens to and responds to teacher needs and wants for the children in the classroom. Through this administration, I have learned that the best thing you can do is trust the teachers. My principal says that even though she wouldn't necessarily do something in her classroom the same way, if the data supports what a teacher is doing, then she doesn't interrupt their process because it is working.
This is an administration who truly believes in open communication and treating teachers as professionals. Don't get me wrong. We have our struggles like all schools do. But, with open dialogue and a genuine atmosphere that is focused on doing what's right for the kids in our school, I have finally realized what true leadership is. It is the ability to listen to the people in front of you and recognize their fears and worries. It is the impact that you have on an emotional level with the teachers throughout the building. It is trust. It is helping others feel HEARD and APPRECIATED for all they do. It is reflecting, learning, and changing together.
As a site-based technology coach, I work toward providing all the teachers in my Professional Development sessions and individual conferences with the same values my current administrator has taught me and I work to make sure I reflect on all dialogue and actions so that I do not unintentionally do what I have experienced in the past and provide a teacher with a negative experience. Through my administration's positive modeling, as well as my own experiences with negative administration, I truly understand the impact that leadership teams can have on one another and I try to ensure that all the educators I work with feel valued when they leave a session with me. I am still learning how to be a coach. But, now I feel valued and I know if I make a mistake I will not be ridiculed, but rather supported and that I will receive the help I need to do better by my colleagues. My journey as a leader is just beginning. Therefore, I still consider myself a follower. However, I now follow the right kind of leaders.
[Side note: my colleague and I both say we have PTSD from our experiences at our first school. In fact, if we ever have to go to that campus for PD we both get very stressed and anxious. It appears that the majority of the admin team is changing. Someone asked if I was going to apply to an instructional coach position there. Even if the entire staff was different I could never work in that school again because when I return my PTSD from the traumatic experiences I had as a teacher there returns in full force. I have not had one panic attack since I left this toxic work environment. I am entering my 3rd year at my new school and I am so happy. I feel respected, trusted, and like an integral part of the school culture. My administration provides me with the autonomy to do as I will in the classroom, so long as it can be proven to be best for the students. She remains kind and generous. We don't always agree, but I know I can talk to her and she will listen and think about what I said before she responds. I know that my opinions, thoughts, and feelings matter. This is leadership. There is no micromanaging. There is no yelling at teachers. There is no "blame game." It took me months to realize that if I asked for pencils I wouldn't be reprimanded. She had already been through this with my colleague, so she knew I was recovering from a traumatic work environment and gave me exactly what I needed at the time. As time has progressed I have shared more of my experiences with her. The best thing is that she can pull out educational and leadership research to support what I felt all along-that effective leaders need to trust the teachers in their buildings, but also recognize the strengths of each and every one of them while understanding their weaknesses so they can SUPPORT them effectively. I am so thankful for her and so long as she is a principal, I will remain loyal to her. She pulled me from my burn-out and darkness and showed me light and joy in what I do. She brought me back to life within the classroom. Administration matters. Knowing how to lead others in a positive manner matters at every moment of every day.]
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