You know the student I am talking about. For me, it was a boy in my class last year. Almost every day for the first two months was the same:
He walks in and throws his bag down, sits down, and places his head on the desk. A friend tries to talk to him and he yells at him to go away. He's angry. You can feel the energy from him and so can those around him. You have a routine in place for the morning. Students are to come in and get their supplies ready for the day and then read silently, while eating breakfast, until after announcements when they will switch classrooms. You won't have this student again in your classroom until after 12:30. How do you help this student restart, so he can have a successful day?
1. LEAVE HIM ALONE
Seriously. Leave him alone. Don't bother him. Give him a few minutes to collect himself. Do not reprimand him. Do not try to ask what is wrong. Leave him in peace for a few minutes. Then, when he has calmed, go to him.
2. INQUIRE HOW TO HELP
First, keep a calm, gentle tone. Then ask him what he needs to get on track for the school day. Does he want to talk? Does he want to take a walk? Does he want to sit for a few minutes before going to his class? Basically-what does he need to get back on track for the day? And, whatever solution you both agree to, you MUST make sure to uphold it on your end. This is an important step in building and maintaining trust.
3. OFFER TO LISTEN
Once he knows you will help him restart his day, ask him if he'd like to talk. Give him an option to say yes or no. If he says yes...just listen. No advice. No judgment. Listen to his words & validate his feelings. That's it. Build a trusting relationship by showing him you genuinely care and want to help.
4. ASK IF HE WANTS YOUR ADVICE
Once he feels validated, ask him if you can give him some advice, or if you can share an observation. But, again, ask him. Allow him to choose if he wants to hear it. If you do go this route be careful that your well-intentioned advice doesn't turn into a judgment of his behavior or lecture.
I know this works. I have had this student in my class. The one who shuts down and gets angry and pushes everyone away. I learned very quickly to leave him be. I was able to determine that the majority of his anger in school came from a lack of confidence. My partner teacher (she teaches math) would get aggravated because she said he was "too smart" to feel that way. I understand what she meant. He is a very bright kid. But, when he was in her class he would shut down, get angry, yell, run out of the classroom, or just be very disrespectful and mean to her when he would get to his frustration level. My number one rule for myself when a child behaves this way is that you never win by arguing with a child, so don't engage. If you want to come out ahead, you need to play the long game and put in the work to build the relationship.
Let's be honest, he started with these behaviors in my classroom as well. I responded by giving him time to adjust his mood, inquiring about the problem he is having, listening and responding to him in a calm and respectful manner, and offering help if he wants it. Then, slowly, he started asking for help instead of immediately getting frustrated. Next, he began to ask if he could sit with me to work. At one point he wanted me to read and affirm every sentence he wrote before he would move on to the next. Slowly, he developed the confidence to only come to me when he was finished. By the end of the year if he had a bad morning he wouldn't come in and sulk, he would walk up to me and say "I had a bad morning and this is what I need...." and sometimes I would need to intervene in other classes because I was the only one he would respond to in a respectful manner, even when he was angry. Unfortunately, the middle school contacted me within the first week of school asking for advice on how to "handle him." They didn't like it when I responded with "Walk away and leave him be. Give him time and respect. Gain his trust." By the end of the first month of school, he had been suspended two times.
The last day of school he gave me a letter-carefully crafted-thanking me for never giving up on him even when he tested my patience to the highest limits. He still comes to visit me. He tells me how he is doing in school. He still struggles with managing his anger. He told me just last week he hasn't yet met another teacher who listened and believed in him the way I did. This breaks my heart. I hope that he will find that teacher next year. And every subsequent year after that. I look forward to his visits in the future and I can't wait to see what he accomplishes. I know he can overcome these troubles. He just needs his teachers to believe in him. We can do that. Right? We can believe in the angry kid and give him a chance to learn positive behavior choices when frustrated.
What have your experiences with the "angry student" been like? Please share your reflections with me!
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